3 years later.

Fuck.




   -taggart

38Th post "Truths of Taggart"

I'm just going to throw out there some of my secrets I have that I haven't been found of talking about.

First of all is my Dyslexia. No it's not a secret I'm dyslexic. No, I haven't been tested. But sometimes you just know. The truth about it is that I was offered a free test through the state. There was a catch though. For the state to give you a dyslexia test they have to give you a full mental exam. And I turned it down. I don't need some person who doesn't know a god damn thing about me to tell me how my own mind works. They will never know my mind the way I do. Hell no one will. The only person I could say is even close is Charlotte. But she's not going to be a freaking shrink. The point is, I don't need someone to tell me how I think when they don't know me.

....Or at least that's what I have told people. The real truth about is a more shallow. the real honest to god reason I never went in to get the testing done was because I was afraid of being told I'm depressed. Then they'd want to put me on some happy pills. And then I still wouldn't take them. I've always tried to be as strong as I can for myself. And if someone told me my own mind is weaker than I had thought. I'd be crushed and destroyed. I understand relying on others for help and happiness and good times. But There's no way in hell, heaven, or high water that I'm going to take a little fucking pill to make me happy and mentally stronger. I will deal with my issues on my own. Even if one of those issues is dying my own depression. I'll admit it. I have my down days but I'm not going to take a freaking pill for it. I'll watch Clerks. That usually helps. A lot.

That's honestly my biggest secret.

37th post. My life. My views. I'm Straight Edge.

So, this one has been a long time in the making.

My views.

This is in all honesty going to be one gigantic cluster. Bare with me.

I live my life clean. I do not smoke anything. I do not drink. I do not do any sort of mind altering drugs. I do not have promiscuous sex. I am what is Straight Edge. Straight Edge has a few definitions. But every single one includes No smoking, No promiscuous sex, and no drugs. Some more hardcore Straight Edge kids ( Often abbreviated sXe) Are also vegan, do not consume caffeine and do not believe in any sort of masochism(Self harm, going as far as no piercings, and no tattoos). I'm not quite that hardcore. (Those of you who actually know me know I have my lip pierced). But I do strongly STRONGLY believe in living a clean and sober life. I do have some bad family history with substances. It's not my place to talk about it. But the history is there and it does create a bias within my opinion. But, that alone is not why I'm sXe. It's not the "YOU WILL DIE FROM DRUGS!" speeches from back in school. The true reason I am Straight Edge is for me. Not for you. Not for your mother. No one but myself. You know that old sang "The body is a temple"? I fully believe that. And I don't want to be someone who destroys and corrupts their temple. I like mine to be pure. I like my body and soul to be clean.

A common thing people don't understand about Straight Edge is everyone thinks it's a trend. It's a lifestyle. It's something that social rejects follow. But the thing is that's not what Straight Edge is. Ian Mackaye who is one of the founders of the Straight Edge movement has said it best. "It's not a fucking lifestyle. like partying. that's a fucking lifestyle. Like getting high. That's a fucking lifestyle." He's right. Straight Edge is just being clean. choosing mind altering substances is a lifestyle that others choose. Not me. I've heard a lot of people throw around the term "Close minded" when it comes to being sXe. And I don't understand it. How is being clean and true to my soul cause me to be close minded? When you don't know how to live live without the use of alcohol or smoking something or putting some shit into your body? Because it makes you "feel good"? I think if you don't know how to make yourself feel good then you have a massive amount of self discovery. For me, "Feeling good" Comes from simplicity's of life. When I kiss my girlfriend that makes me feel good. When I lay down to go to bed and my cat crawls up on my chest and purrs, that makes me feel good. When I buy a new video game that makes me feel good. When I listen to music that makes me want to jump around and scream my heart out, that makes me feel good. And you know what, not a single one of those things involves mind altering substances. I don't have to grow a fucking plant and smoke it to "Feel good" I don't have to put a god damn needle in my arm to "feel good". I don't Have to drink alcohol and get so messed up I don't remember the entire night to "feel good". Some of the absolute best times I've ever had in my life has simply been standing around telling stories and joking and laughing with my friends. And none of us ever required any alcohol or drugs to make us feel good. No the only thing we needed to feel good was the smile on our faces. That was all. All I'm attempting is to make a point.

All I wish to do is Explain to you, whoever the reader may be, that there are ways to live clean I'm sure I'm going to strongly upset some friends and family alike with this post. But, It's my blog you're reading. This is all my opinion. By no means am I saying that I am better than you and no I'm not trying to offend anyone. This is all my opinion. And Truth be told. I'm the only sXe individual out of all my friends. It's sucks. I have a lot of friends who drink a lot. and quite a few who smoke pot. Truth of it all is I feel alone. Yes I have friends a lot of them. I love them dearly. But when they decide to drink and smoke I have no one. This isn't some emo depressive cry for help or something. I've gotten long past to deal with this. I have a close friend who does drugs and they know there really isn't anything I hate more. And I know they care, but it won't stop them. It sucks. And hurts. But it's truly something I will have to deal with. I haven't decided if I'm going to publicly post this blog or let whoever may stumble upon it stumble. But this is my heart and soul poured into a blog. These are my beliefs and they stand stronger than anything in my head.

If you actually read this through, thank you. Even if I don't know who you are, you know me better than a lot of people out there. just by this a lone. Thank you.

36th post.

Why is it I'm so easy to lie to? What is it that makes me such a terrible person? I mean I'm used to the knifes in the back and everything. But I can't say I would mind if someone was honest and truthful to me.

Oh well.

Anyway. nothing new to report. I still live in a basement. I still miss the sunlight. I wish things where different with my life. and I do have some work it's not a real job by any means. But, it's money.

happy update.

:l.

35th post "happenings"

A lot of things have gone down in the last few weeks. To be honest with you I'm not exactly sure where to begin. So I figured i'd just spill and see what kinda post is left when I'm done.

Well for starters me and her broke up. we are still friends and we are still close. Well try to be. That hard part about break ups is when all the lies and shit come into the open. which causes a drastic fight. Which is always the time of my life. But the result of this is getting close to my friends. Which has been Really nice. But as soon as things start going good again a fight breaks out between us... again... and even more lies come out into the open. It hurts. IT's been some time since i've felt this way. I honestly think that was when i was with my first girlfriend. Something you think stays between only the two people in the relationship even through the rough spots. but than you find out you where led on and lied to about it all in the first place. even when you've Ask specifically about the subject and your blatantly lied to. straight to your damn face. It's an astonishing feeling.

Well i did start working again. Kinda. Helping my aunt and uncle out with some things. Won't pay the bills but it puts a few bucks in my pocket which helps.

On a negative note, I've started playing A LOT of games. As in at least An hours worth of Halo a day. Which is bad lol.

Oh, and one last thing. A friend came out and says she has a massive crush on me. It's nothing no one didn't know. It's not a bad thing. But it's the first time in years someones had a crush on me like this. so it's a bit on the odd side. I feel bad too because i'm not ready to date anyone else yet. And she wants to really bad.

Well that's what's happening. Fun stuff eh?

34th Post. Tools.

Why are people such tools to false Idols? Drugs? Alcohol? I mean why can no one live sober? I simply don't understand what is so attractive about mind altering substance. There are better things in life. I just don't understand why it makes people happy. I've watched people corrupt from that kinda crap. I've watched people destroy promises from it. without the slightest care of what they lose from it.

I'm sorry if this is offending anyone but, my blog my damn opinion. And my opinion is drugs are not a good thing. i believe everyone is stronger than that. yes i believe in medical pot. but out of the millions of people who have licences about 5% of them should or do need it. I just simply wish people could hold promises. and be in a straight mind instead of always having to be under the influence of something to alter there mind and opinion and thoughts. I'm 100% sober I've never been influenced by any substance. And i truly believe i can and will have more fun sober than anyone ever will drunk or high or tripping balls. I will have more fun.

Well if anyone gets pissy about this, sorry.

Just the opinion of Taggart

33rd post.

Been a while yes? First one since February. Damn. Well, Things are decent not the best not the worse. The girl i mentioned in the last post is still here it was a very very very very very very very very very rough couple of weeks after my last post. Some words where thrown like daggers. a very, very, very close friend of mine was lost. Still not sure as of why. Oh and that's right. I moved in with my buddy. My mom moved states and she did offer me to join her. But, a few thousand miles away from my friends family and girl are a bit extreme. so thats the basics.

wel, for all the months i didn't post i had a job at Walmart. I loved it. it was a blast Earned a new nickname and met some pretty chill folks. Got another friend a job there too. Then i got laid off. apparently because there where no positions open in the store. sounds like a load of crap to me but whatever i can't help it. BUt Another good friend hooked me up with a number for a good job gave it a call and then my phone stopped working for two days so tomorrow i'm callin again. Wish me luck?

Me and the lady are doing good. Mostly. Some issues came up. Some still come up. but its obvious there my issues to deal with. It's disappointing in the fact that these issues where taken care of but since the "break up" the promises turned to trash. But, its up to me to get over it i suppose. no one else. But we are doing good none the less. I love her. thats what matters.

On a side note, I've never met someone i've ever loathed so much in my life. I mean really? Do you ever think? at all? Look at all the aspects before you open your dumb mouth. actually, just never open it. Just shut up. the world is better off that way. Thanks. I <3 Dennis Leary.

Ok so as far the rest of my wishes and wants and likes and ideas that i've talked about in the past 32 post here they go.

LongBoarding- Still one of my passions in life. I'm still looking into getting a new board. The new area i live in isnt exactly the best for long boarding. I love it. It makes me happy. I simply Don't know how to explain how it makes me feel. Idk how to even start.. I suppose i'll try.

Hm. imagine the first time you figured how to ride a bike with out the extra wheels. that happiness the freedom you feel the wind the fear all of that. thats what long boarding is to me. its all of that. together. in one. everytime. I was riding it a few months ago to a friends birthday party. I got it going way to fast probably around 30 miles an hour and went to move about to inches to the left to get out of the way of a car and bam my board is wobbling like crazy. i made it down the hill and up the next without killing myself. (i'm quite proud of that). But yes. I do still enjoy it and i wouldn't mind dying longboarding.

Bartending- I still want to. I've looked into it more and more and it looks better and better. I've read some uh blogs of people who have bartended and i hear more a less nothing but good things. of course you get that one drunk guy, the bar fights and what not. but the money looks decent and it looks like a blast.

Ska-I love it. Enough said.

And well, I think that's going to some up all of this so far. So theres another update. Have a good one.

-Taggart.